Calling Occupants of Cyber-Commentary Craft

The Internet is all sorts of wacky. This is exactly what makes cyberspace great. Internet A-listers shine not because of their accomplishments, insights or constructive contributions to society, but because of their kooky, off-center, and downright outrageous views and behaviors. After watching the first Chris Crocker video a few weeks back—you know, the “Leave Britney Alone!” vid that sent shockwaves of discomfiting disbelief across all things digital—I was suddenly convinced that I needed a new spark for my line.

My conclusion: I need a cause of some sort that will give me license to yell at and slander others and perhaps even victimize myself somehow. I used to marvel: Why are online commentators so quick to slam each other and troll around in websites and tell each other off using crafty word puns and clever pop cultural references? Now, however, I wonder: Who do I have to unapologetically offend or severely freak out to guarantee myself a first-class ticket on the digital controversy train and ride it all the way to the topsy-turvy lands of I’ve-finally-made-it-online?

Of course, I’m only kidding. I do not want the kind of decadent digital destiny that has cemented others into public ridicule and hyper-scrutiny online, nor do I wish to hurl insults left and right. Yet, I would be lying to myself if I didn’t confess I do want some of the magic and magnetism that a lot of high-profile onliners seem to wield. To them I say: “Cyber-commenters, I am your friend!” I know, there’s a fine line between the sublime and the ridiculous, between the offensive and the funny, and between the compelling and the put-me-to-sleep boring; but if I want to keep making a mark, I need to go bold. So keep sending those digital light bulbs my way!